1. Eat cheese pizza-flavored Bagel Bites® immediately before bed.
2. Go to bed.
3. Get indigestion.
4. Have indigestion-induced crazy dreams about playing music on your guitar, but all your music and words are getting sucked up through a vent in a suspended ceiling (you know, like one of those ceilings that has the foam tiles with space above them) and swirling around up there, so naturally I have to get a ladder and get up there to free my music for the world to hear, but when I lift one of the ceiling tiles and stick my head up there, it gets stuck in the ceiling. It must have been a magic ceiling because I don't recall my head actually touching anything in the ceiling, I just couldn't pull it down through the air. **As a side note, of all the things that already make so much sense about this dream, I don't know why I decided to fixate on my head being caught in thin air inside a suspended ceiling.**
Then the dream cuts to a big park where a church fair is going on. In the middle of the park there is a huge slot car track. Actually, this may have been the only attraction at the church fair, and some faceless kids and I may have been the only ones there, so I'm not sure how I was so sure it was a church fair, but I was. Anyway, at first, the slot car track had big animals, like the metal animals you sit on at parks that have the big springs in their bellies driven into the ground so you can bounce all around. Well, they were attached to this slot car track, I don't know how, and you could ride them around the rack. Then, suddenly, what should have been slot cars became actual slot cars, but instead of remote controls to make them go, there were long sticks attached to each one, and you had to push them around the track yourself. What a rip.
5. Abruptly wake up.
6. Realize you were dreaming, then writhe in pain for a few minutes as heartburn drop-kicks you in the face.
7. Get up, pee, eat a Tums, go out to the kitchen to get some milk, go back to bed.
8. Check the clock. See that it is 2:19 AM.
9. Hear a stupid songbird outside.
10. Think for a second, then realize that birds are not allowed to start making noise until after 4:00 AM. Get mildly annoyed.
11. Listen for about 10 minutes to the stupid bird continue to sing, "HI I'M A STUPID BIRD! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE AWAKE SO I EITHER HAVE INSOMNIA OR I'M RETARDED BUT EITHER WAY I'M SO HAPPY I'M GOING TO SING A SONG. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? NO? NO MATTER. I'M HAPPY! LALALALALALALALA HAPPY SING SING SING IT'S SO DARK OUTSIDE HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY I'M A STUPID BIRD! I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIGHTER OUTSIDE WHEN I START SINGING...."
12. Yes, bird. It is.
13. Begin developing a burning hatred for this bird in particular.
14. After 45 minutes, hear the bird finally stop singing, but realize it is getting dangerously close to the time when other stupid birds are going to start singing.
15. Still be unable to fall asleep because you're shaking with rage because you hate birds so much now and you never hated anything this much in your life before this moment.
16. Finally fall asleep, but with a newly found hatred for anything with wings in the world, ever. This includes you, planes and pterodactyls.
See? Now you, too can develop a burning, irrational hatred of anything and everything with wings, JUST LIKE ME!! The best part is, you can even vary the method a little. I like to think of steps 1-4 as guidelines. For instance, if you do not have any cheese pizza Bagel Bites®, you could probably drink a pint of Tabasco sauce. You may also not have the exact same dream as I do, but I am pretty convinced that any indigestion-induced crazy dream that wrenches you out of sleep in the middle of the night and enrages you will probably suffice.
Probably.
There you have it.
Simple.
Thanks for reading.
- Mike
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